When I woke up this morning, it felt like I was at least eighty years old. My eyes were sealed shut, my throat was as dry as my wife’s sex drive and I busted my arm. How that all came to be? Let me take you back to the night before.
I got a call from Cookie last night. After our reunion a few weeks ago, we’d hang around every now and then to catch up on good old times. We’d crack some jokes, go to the bar and drink a whisky or two. But yesterday, he came up with a rather… unusual idea.
“Scotch, we’re going to a titty bar tonight.”
Fuck hell. A what? I’m married!
“A titty bar? Why?” I replied.
I knew he was drunk.
“These are rough times, I’m drunk. And I want to see boobs when I’m drunk.”
Not surprisingly, it took us only 10 minutes to meet up in front of the ‘pussycat club’ downtown. It was the first time I actually stopped in front of the establishment. A couple of bunny girls welcomed us into the club and weren’t too shy to jiggle their bosom in front of us. Cookie immediately moved closer to investigate, but judging by the look on the two-by-two black bouncer’s face that accompanied the bunnies, investigators were not very welcome. I dragged Cookie towards the entrance and while shouting ‘shake it, baby’ continuously, he wiggled after me.
A few minutes later, we had settled for a spot at the bar and a few whiskies. The first two dancers had made an appearance on stage and Cookie was clearly enjoying himself. One-liners like ‘Your airbags would complete my new car’ and ‘this is no pencil in my pocket’ soared through the bar. The girls liked it, as he was putting money in their thongs at the same time. In the meantime, I started to get pretty drunk myself. To my right, I suddenly noticed a sexy woman.
“Why hello there…”
Did I just say that out loud?
“Well, hi there yourself, handsome”, she replied in a slight southern accent.
Hm? This is easy…
“Your boobs are big”.
“Yes they are”, she giggled. “Do you want to touch them?”
Why the fuck not.
Just as I was about to physically calculate the longitude and multitude of her breasts, I realized that the guy sitting next to her had eyes that were blazing with fury. I can tell you that adding one and one together in a progressing state of drunkenness is quite hard. Before I realized that it was her boyfriend who was about to kill me, he managed to land a heavy punch on my arm. This was serious. I immediately grabbed Cookie’s arm and we ran outside. I don’t know how we did it, but we lost our pursuer after a few minutes of running. Cookie fell asleep on my couch and I somehow managed to drag myself to bed. Nadia only moaned when I quietly pulled the blankets away from her.
That brings us to this accursed morning. I don’t know how long it took before the alcohol’s effects faded away, but I did hear Nadia screaming when she found Cookie on the couch downstairs. I vaguely remembered that he wearily started undressing himself as I dragged myself up the stairs last night. I smiled. Spring had come to town.