With A Blaster

I’ve always been an avid gamer. Since I was little, I’d always owned game consoles varying from brands like SEGA, Nintendo and most recently, Microsoft. Why, you ask? Because I don’t have to physically beat people up, then. That aside, I really love playing videogames. Just for the fun of it. If you could see me now, after my last intense gaming session, you’d probably be wondering why I’m staring at our flatscreen TV, watching my 10-year old son who still wears diapers while wiping the sticky cookie crumbs off my face. Stick with me here, I’ll try to make it short.

Earlier tonight, I invited Cookie over to play videogames. I’d managed to lay my hands on one of the first copies for the new ‘Dragon Master With A Blaster’ game and wanted to share my enthusiasm with a fellow fan of this long-running series. Did I say ‘fan’? Cookie lived for Dragon Master. This would prove to be an understatement as soon as I opened the door after the doorbell had rang. Cookie was dressed in a Dragon Master costume, complete with two small super-soaker water pistol blasters holstered against his thighs.

“Ready to blast some dragon scum?” He asked in an over-the-top Hollywood voice. I rolled my eyes. Cookie always knew how to exaggerate these kind of things. “You bet John. Come on in”, I answered. Not long after, we finally settled down in front of the TV and were already consumed by the game. My son Pewter had joined us on the couch. Nadia wouldn’t normally let him sit with us when playing brutal and violent video games, but since she was out with friends, we didn’t see the problem.

A few hours later, we had reached the final boss. Cookie went ballistic every time we failed to kill the game’s primary antagonist, Bubbles the water ninja. The whiskies we’d drunk didn’t really make things any better. Cookie’s mood sank rapidly and he almost gave up hope. Then, in a moment of relentless cursing, Pewter grabbed one of the game controllers and looked at it as if it was a miracle from heaven. Meanwhile, Cookie was beyond salvation. He was waving the controller up and about, while cursing poor pixilated Bubbles to hell multiple times. Suddenly Pewter had a bright moment, he added one and one together, swung the controller above his head with both hands, and hurled it into the direction of Cookie’s head. The next few seconds hurt a lot. The controller hit Cookie right on the nose, because he turned around to check what all the ‘cuckoo’ sounds were about which Pewter was letting out. As soon as the heavy controller hit the spot, he sprayed the cookie he was munching (and lots of blood) out into the room, covering me – and all of Nadia’s expensive furniture – with sticky cookie crumbs. What a night. My best friend knocked out on the floor, the house a mess…

I heard Nadia arriving outside. Bubbles the water ninja was showing his victory poses on the big TV screen, and from the corner of my eye, I could see Pewter trying to imitate them while making high-pitched sounds. Once again I realized that life was a big video game, and that I’d just lost again. Dragon Master with a Blaster. Damn, I need a bigger blaster.